Humour About Women
About Women

 

 

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry laughing turtle
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

 

Who wears the pants?

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

smell-wine TNShe put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

 

 

 

Thrillseeking Grannies

 

 Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 km/h.

 

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

 

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. 

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"Tear hair out over paperwork web

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...22 kilometers an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

 

 

 

 

 

Static on the Line

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the man sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train.”

catinthebox

“Yes, I know it's the 6.30 and not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting.” “No, sweetheart, not with that blonde from accounts, it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart.” Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric no longer uses his cell phone in public.

 

 

 

 

 

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Madam, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. carbreaking TN

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back-up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Madam, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you madam, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too

 

 

 

Streaker

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

Female_jump_for_joy_web.jpg

 

One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my

 

clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 note.

 

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

 

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

 

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

 

Hotel Paradiso

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: For Women Only and unaccompanied, they decide to go in.

The attractive bouncer explained: "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

Stepping out of the lift on the first floor the sign reads: ‘All the men on this floor are short and ugly'. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: ‘All the men here are average height, have a steady job and are average-looking'. Still, this isn't good enough for the girls, so they continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall, earn good money and are quite good-looking.' They still want to do better, and knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: ‘All the men here are tall, handsome, love children, long conversations and are self-made millionaires'. The women get all excited and are going in when they realise there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they walk out the door and fall down a slide into a pool of slime, where a sign hangs, reading: ‘There are no men on the 5th level. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way humanly possible to please a woman'.

Bird-Perch-on_TN

Financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his gravely ill father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

 

Naughty women

Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos, and mask over their eyes.

They met again a few days later.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend returned home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4 inch stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you. Then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, we just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said, 'The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.  My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'"

 

Menstrual cycle research breakthrough!

A recent scientific study found that women are attracted to different male faces depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

Injured-man-with-crutches_T

For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

 

Advice for your daughter

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

8. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

9. If he asks what books you're interested in, tell him "cheque books".

10. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 

A puzzled blonde

A blonde called out to her boyfriend, "I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster," the blonde said.

Her boyfriend came over to help with the puzzle. He studied the pieces spread across the table for a moment and then looked at the box. With a deep sigh, he said, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

smiling_woman_web.jpgShazza's Story 

"How many children?" asked the Centrelink officer.

"Ten," Shazza replied.

"Ten? What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne."

The Centrelink officer scratched her head. "Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Nah." Shazza said. "It's great. If they are playing out in the street, I just have to shout, ‘Waaaaayne, ya dinna's ready!' or ‘Waaaaayne, get to bed!' - and they all do it."

The Centrelink officer frowned. "What if you want to speak to one of them individually?"

"That's easy," said Shazza. "I just use their surnames."

 

Irish phone sex

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas, and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.

 

Blonde_partygoer_web.jpg

Stowaway

A depressed young blonde woman decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge. She was about to jump when a handsome young sailor saw her crying and tottering on the edge of the bridge.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love.

Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said, "this is the Rottnest Ferry."

 

Never argue with a bookworm

devil_woman_web.jpg A woman took her husband's fishing boat out onto a beautiful lake she was unfamiliar with. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and began reading a book.

A ranger pulled up alongside the woman in his boat. "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" he said.

"Reading a book," she replied.

"You're in a restricted fishing area."

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I knowm you could start at any moment. I'll have to fine you."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.

"But I haven't even touched you!"

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," the ranger sighed, and then motored away.

Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

A lesson from the homeless

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out ten dollars and asked,Thankyou_sandwich_board_woman_web.jpg

"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"

"Are you nuts!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

 

Rubber and smoke

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Shout_Female_web.jpg Maude: "What in the hell is that?"

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Maude: "Where did you get it?"

Mabel: "You can get them at any chemist."

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and asks for a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely, and very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

She said, "Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

Dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. After a quick examination, the vet shook his head and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away."

Yes, the duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

Argue_female_web.jpg The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador.The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, returning a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed at the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck." The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

"$1250!" she exclaimed. "$1250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, but if you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $80. Now, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's $1250."Paperwork_woman_with_huge_pencil_web.jpg

 

Tammy's Diary

Monday:

It's fun to cook for my beau. Today I made angel cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Wednesday:

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Friday:

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with the recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Sunday:

My Beau's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

 

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat, DO NOT talk to my parrot!"Female_swimgear_on_deckchair_web.jpg

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

Auto bandit

Female_laughing_face_web.jpg

An elderly woman called the police to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!"

A few minutes later, when an officer arrives, he radios in, "Disregard. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

Blonde airways

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?

The runway was only 20 metres long but a kilometre wide.

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

 

 

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