Humour Family
Family

 

Facts to Silence Teenagers


angrymumy TN* The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

* In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of five times around the equator.

* The longest one-syllable word is ‘screeched’.

* Frowning burns more calories than smiling.

* A quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

* The average woman consumes 2.7kg of lipstick in her lifetime.

* The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.

* If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

* A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.

* Children grow faster in the spring.

 

 

 

A bad day

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."Business despondent door slam TN
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

 

 

Animal Crackers

Pirates chest webTwo dog owners are arguing over whose dog is the most clever.

‘My dog is so smart’, says the first owner, ‘that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come round. He tips the boy and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning cup of coffee.’

‘I know,’ says the second owner.

‘How do you know?’

‘My dog told me.’

 

 

 

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, dogwithabone TN

‘My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.’

‘Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?’ asked the collie.

‘I can’t,’ replied the poodle. ‘I’m not allowed on the couch.’

 

 

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, ‘Excuse me, do you sell rabbits?’ 

 ‘Yes,’ I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, ‘Would you like a white rabbit or would you prefer to have a soft, fluffy black rabbit?’ 

She shrugged. ‘I don’t think my python really cares.’ 

 

 

Snooze in office chair webSnake 1: 'Are we poisonous?'

Snake 2: 'I don't know, why?'

Snake 1: 'I just bit my lip.'

 

 

A man phoned his boss ‘I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes’. ‘What's wrong with your eyes?’ asks the boss. ‘Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today’.manonthephone2 TN

 

When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, ‘We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon,’ I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week.

After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.

‘Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week,’ I instructed her. ‘Now, what did she want?’

‘Rain.’

 

 

With Neighbours Like These …

Extracts from actual letters sent to State housing bodies.

   angrywoman TN               “…and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

                  “I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think a bad wind the other night blew them off.”

                  “My toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?”

                 “Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.  We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden

                  before we move into the house.”

                  “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”

                   “Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone around to do something about it.”

                    “I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

                   “I have had the council clerk down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

 

 

 

Excerpts from a Dogs Diary

8am: Dog food! My favourite thing!

9.30am: A car ride and a walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10.30am Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

Noon: Lunch! My favourite thing!

1pm: Played in the yard and wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

7pm: Got to play ball and watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

 

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed leftovers or some sort of dry nuggets. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

 

Observations on growing older…

 Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like it

Going out is good…coming home is better! 

You read 100 pages into a book before you realise you've read it. 

Everybody whispers.

Laughing_family_with_glasses_web.jpg

 

Deer oh deer

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to guess their meal, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it. It's an arsehole!"

 

Modern procreation

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. I then set up a date via e-mail with her and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: You've got "male"!

 

On heat

A little girl asked her mum, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."

"What does that mean?"

"Go ask your father."

The little girl finds her Dad in the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."Tightrope_Dog_web.jpg

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go around the block once."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."

 

Out of the mouth of babes

A little girl is sitting on her grandad's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.Book_around_ankle_web.jpg

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandad, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandad.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandad.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't he?"

 

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."In_the_bag_web.jpg

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case..."

This is how business is done if you don't get caught!

 

Family planning

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his boy answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.Laugh_child_web.jpg

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles." The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"