Humour Lawyers
Lawyers

 

You are all Heart
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

man-hammock TNHe asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story, did you?

 

 

 

Upholding the Law

 

Female juggling office work webWe are the most governed of all species – there are local laws, state laws, federal laws and jump in a plane and there’s international laws. We can break them all but we can’t break the laws of nature:

1.    Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2.    Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

3.    Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

4.    Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

5.     Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

6.    Law of the Theatre: The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.

7.    Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

8.    Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

9.    Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

10.    Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

 

 

 

The things you hear under oath:

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?bunnyhat TN
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

 

 

 

Imaginary Friends

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

 

couple-perplexed TN

 

Happy Valentine's

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

Feeling OK officer

Clyde, a farmer in Esperance, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite horse Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the policeman at the scene that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."Bird_Perch_fall_off_web.jpg

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite horse, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"About that time a policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘And, how are you feeling?'"

 


An attorney died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."



Pope vs lawyer

Judge_on_high_web.jpgThe Pope and a lawyer find themselves before the Pearly Gates. After time spent discussing their respective professions, St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new lodgings. He takes them to the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Peter announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity.

"Well I never", the Pope says to himself, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".

St Peter takes them off across mundane landscape to land on a street lined with brick and tile tenement houses. Peter points to the third house as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all the best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-fella in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of many, end up with this dump?"

Peter looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!"

 

The two bears

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the Rocky Mountains, to which he retreated for several weeks each year. Each year, the lawyer would invite a friend to spend a week or two there.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. Along came two huge grizzly bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the mountain retreat with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALEJudge_web.jpg.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

 

Throw away line

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

 

Sleep with the animals

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room asPiggy_bank_photo_web.jpg a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

 

Outwitted lawyer

A lawyer and a woman are sitting next to each other on a flight from Perth to Sydney. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The woman is tired and just wants to take a nap. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains:"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!"

This catches the woman's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The woman doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks puzzled. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the National Library archives. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes the woman and hands her $500. She turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes her and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 


Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?Topless_blond_web.jpg

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.



Play it again, Sam

A guy who has just lost big time in the Family Court phones the law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week!"

The next day the guy calls once again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Look sir, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."