Humour Mixed Bag
Mixed Bag

 

 

 

Social media

 

Bright sec with paper web

 

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

 

 

Every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works.

 

 

 

 

I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words joining our vocabulary in 2016!Man thought bubble web

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

 

 

Never Cross a Nurse

watering can woman webA big shot lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I'm sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
“What's going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed...
“Not with a carnation.”

 

 

 

Facebook Funnies
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE GOOGLE MAPS AGAIN...earbash web
If you've had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
You've reached the limitations of my medications.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
You know you're getting old when you're looking forward to some time off so you can have three doctors’ appointments.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer.

 

 

accidentman TNWhat’s a Paraprosdokian?

•    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
•    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
•    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.
•    Dolphins are so smart that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and feed them fish.
•    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer-gut, and still think they’re sexy.

 

 

Going Nuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realises he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts!
"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied."After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

 

 

Book around ankle webPun-ography:
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

 

Aphorisms – laconic expressions of wise or clever observations
•    Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
•    Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
•    A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
•    How come it takes so little time for a child afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
•    No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
•    Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
•    Politicians and nappies should be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

 

Alcohol Beware

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Pete.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

 

 

 

Fun in the Fast Lane
greenparrotfalling2 TNMy wife told me “sex is much better on holiday”.

…That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

How can you tell if someone is ticklish? Give them a testicle.

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Funny

 

stupid or not decide

 

 

 

Man-Listening-150Did You Know
* On average, a human being will spend up to two weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
* Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
* A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 160km/h.
* Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food.
* A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephant’s butt.
* The average person has a total of 2.7kg of skin.
* Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind inside a spacesuit damages them.
* On average, 12 newborns a day somewhere in the world will be given to the wrong parents.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
* Red cars are involved in more accidents each year than other coloured cars.

 

 

 

One-liners
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work today…I’m dreading it.
A Roman soldier walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers and says "I'll have five beers please!"
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.Win jump for joy man web
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

CLASSIC QUOTE
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov 

 

 

 

 

 

Mottos for Daily Living


catinthebox TN    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    Death to all fanatics!
    When there's a will, I want to be in it.
    A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
    Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
    I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 


Computer head TN

Useless Info to Silence Children

* Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why.
* Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
* We shed 18kg of skin in a lifetime.
* Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue-print is different.
* Right-handed people live on average nine years longer than left-handed people.
* A person uses about 57 sheets of toilet paper each day.
* In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum.
* ‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
* A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
* Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

 

 

BonBon Humour

 

What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?SANTA041

Baby reindeer.

 

How do you know that Santa is a man?

 

No woman wears the same attire every year.

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

 

Are you kidding? It’s Christmas – he should run a mile.

 

The 3 stages of man:

 

·         He believes in Santa Claus.

 

·         He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.

 

·         He IS Santa Claus!

 

Gems from the Church News Sheet

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, I Will Not Pass This Way Again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."Surprise JackinTheBox web

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"

 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 Barbara Jones remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Rev Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Don't let worry kill you – let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessica Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 8pm. Please use the backdoor.

The Year 8s will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

 

 

 

 

Too clever by half

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

Man cover eyes web7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

25 life truths

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a

garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.lazyman TN

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist

change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks

before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake

when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 

 

 

 

Age-old Complaints

 

manplayingpiano TNA group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

 

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee" said one.

 

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee" replied another.

 

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

 

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," ...another went on..."I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

 

Then there was a short moment of silence.

 

"Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive!"

 

 

 

Puns on the Run

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.Baby with mic web

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds

 

 

Horsing Around

Horse Race webA woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says “why the long face?” Cow says “Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!”

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead… NO! NO! NO! NO!

To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.

 

 

Blonds Bite Back

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”scarydog

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender IS blond, the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6’ tall, 100kg black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 110kg, and he's a rugby player.

The fella to your right is 6’5” pushing 150kg and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

 

 

 

 

 cricket-catcher2 TN

 

Signs of the Times

 

Sign on a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'

 

On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

 

In a Non-smoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

 

In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tis the season...

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

Sandy Claus!

 

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?pigeating TN

Claustrophobic.

 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

 

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?

Olive? You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

 

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

A Crisp Cringle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bright sec with paper webI know what you mean

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwis amongst us:

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep

 

 

 

 

Classic One Liners

1. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don't expect it back.

2. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

3. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

4. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

5. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

6. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

7. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

8. There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.Man-Listening-150

9. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

10. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

11. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

12. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

13. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

14. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

15. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

17. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

18. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. On the other hand you have different fingers.

20. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

 

 

Bumper Stickers

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Boldly Going Nowhere

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Wanted; Meaningful overnight relationship

 

 

Best Caddy Responses . .

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"Golfball_bounce_on_head_web

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

 

Lessons in Management Vol. 3

angrybossywoman_TNCorporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the Story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Politics - For the Libs

Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, and Wayne Swan were flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and chuckled, “You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.”

Gillard shrugs and replies, “Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.”

Not to be outdone, Swan says, “Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, “Such arrogant jerks back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.”

 

Democracy Explained

1. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

2. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

3. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

4. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

5. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

6. OLD HONG KONG DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.  

 

Scouts' Honour

Dear Mum & Dad,

TENT_web.jpg

Our Scout Leader told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only three tents got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Please call Adam's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast but I got to ride in one of the search and rescue 4WDs. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scout Leader Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it blows up? Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scout Leader Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Guess what? We all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scout Leader said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scout Leader's tent.

 

Hear me out

Paddy loses his ear in a freak accident on a building site. Mick says to Paddy:

Hey Paddy, I think I've found your ear, we can get you to the hospital and sew it back on.

Tanks Mick, Paddy replies, but dats not my ear. Mine had a pencil behind it

 

Dead ringer

As the coffin was slowly being lowered into the grave at the funeral of a traffic warden, a voice inside it screamed "I'M NOT DEAD , I'M NOT DEAD!!" To which the priest smugly answered "I am sorry my son, but I've already filled out the paperwork".....

 

Snappy answer 1.

The cop got out of his car and the P-plater who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The P-plater replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 

Book_around_ankle_web.jpgSnappy answer 2.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

 

Instructions for medical secretaries

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. Handstand_man_web.jpg

Avoid clichés like the plague (They're old hat). 

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

One should NEVER generalise. 

Don't use no double negatives.

One word sentences. Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Use words correctly irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forward earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

You've heard it once you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

 

Year of the Flu

I'm not really concerned about the swine flu, but I do have one concern.

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow. . . Mad cow disease 

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

 

Blind parachuting

Tightrope_Dog_web.jpgA blind man tells his friend how much he enjoys parachuting. "My hand is placed on my release ring, they place me in the door and tell me when to jump. Out I go!"

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" ask his friend.

"Oh," replies the blind man, "as soon as the dog's leash goes slack."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

Cloning around

Two clones are on a roof when one of them begins swearing. Enraged, the other clone pushes the swearer off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

 

Origin of ‘the finger'

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, pledged to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore the archers would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won the battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, crying, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck yew!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

 

Signs of the times

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office

Paperwork_woman_with_huge_pencil_web.jpg

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:

‘Yesterday's Meals on Wheels'

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'  

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'  

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push..'  

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

 

 

The bathtub test

During visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he determines whether a patient should be institutionalised.  

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"  

 

 

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Phillip?"

Business_despondent_door_slam_web.jpgJapanese bank crisis

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank was up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.

 

 

Mexican smuggler

Juan rides up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," Juan answers.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years, until finally, Juan stops showing up. The guard later ran into him in a Mexican cantina.

"Hey, buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

 

Clowning around

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

 

 

For the lexophiles

  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

The butler did it?

Woman_from_hell_rollersI_web.jpg

The mistress of the mansion summons her butler to her bedroom and instructs him, "Jeeves, take off my shoes, roll down my stockings, remove my dress, loosen my bra, slip off my petticoat, and pull down my panties."

Reluctantly, the butler does so.

"Now," the mistress says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you will be sacked!"

 

Boffin lingo

Computer_head_web.jpg

"In my experience"... Once

"In case after case"... Twice

"It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... The data is practically meaningless.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Bloggs for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr Bloggs did the work and Ms Adams explained to me what it meant.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit!

 

Two minute management course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.Bird_Perch_on_web.jpg

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I don't have the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying north for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

Not happy

I rear-ended someone at the traffic lights on the way to work. The bloke gets out of his car. He was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy ..."

I said, "Which one are you, then?"

Q. What is the difference between a British Airways jet and a pom?Knight_in_armour_web.jpg

A. The jet stops whining once it reaches Australia.

 

Talk to the animals

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."Tightrope_Dog_web.jpg

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly and brushes me down often."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi (in a panic): "The sheep's a liar."

 

Colourful collective nouns

  • A plethora of lispers
  • A tenet of palindromesMan_carrying_huge_pencil_web.jpg
  • A veneer of newscasters
  • A brace of orthodontists
  • A rash of dermatologists
  • An amalgam of dentists
  • A cast of orthopedists
  • A slew of retired hit men
  • A concert of yes men
  • A flash of paparazzi
  • A great deal of used-car salesmen

 

Blind Bungee

“Did you hear about the blind man that went Bungee jumping?”

“Scared the hell out of the dog.”

 

Notorious bumper stickers...

  • Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an arsehole.
  • Impotence. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
  • The proctologist called... they found your head.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
  • Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.Blonde_partygoer_web.jpg
  • Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
  • I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Fellas...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

 

Thoughts on life

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.

Yesterday I dialled the Red Cross and got the tax department by mistake. So the operator asked me what number I had dialled. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."

"You aren't too far off, are you?" she replied.

 

Immigrants

Bjorn and Sven came to Australia from Sweden in search of good jobs.

Dancing_web.jpgSo they went to the unemployment office the first day they got in. The unemployment officer asked Bjorn what he did in Sweden and Bjorn said he put the elastic lining in women's pantyhose. The officer told him that job wasn't of great importance in Australia, so he would only get $100 a week.

The next day Sven went in. When they asked him his occupation, he said, "Diesel fitter." The unemployment officer thought he did something important with diesel engines, so she paid him $300 dollars a week.

Bjorn was furious when he found out Sven was making more than him, so the next day he returned to the unemployment office. "Why you pay Sven more dan me?" he asked.

The officer replied, "Well, we need diesel fitters more than hose liners in our economy."

Bjorn said, "How could his yob be more important? I put de lining in de hose, but he yust puts ‘em on his head and says, "Dese'll fit ‘er."

 

12 THOUGHTS ON LIFE

  1. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  3. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  8. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
  9. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  10. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  11. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  12. Why do psychics have to ask your name?

 

Difficult things to say when drunk:

  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Proliferation
  4. Cinnamon

Very difficult things to say when drunk:

BEER070_web.jpg

  1. Specificity
  2. British Constitution
  3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Downright impossible things to say when drunk:

  1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
  2. Nope, no more beer for me.
  3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
  5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

8 things to do at K-Mart

  1. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
  2. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby.
  3. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
  4. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
  5. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
  6. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
  7. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
  8. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while and then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."

 

Success cycles

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Holiday_asleep_deckchair_with_seagull_web.jpg

 

Guide to being an Aussie

*The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

*There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

*On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

*The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

 

Home truths

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you don't see him excited, make him a sandwich!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

Terrorists can come to Australia and hang around on expired Visas. At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration.

 

Employee reviews worth noting

Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

Opens mouth only to change feet.

Would argue with a signpost.

Brings a lot of joy upon leaving the room.

In possession of two brain-cells: one is lost and the other's out looking for it.

Instead of drinking from the fountain of knowledge, this one gargled.

Holiday_going_with_suitcase_web.jpg 

 

Tourist Tips to Surviving Australia

  • Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
  • Always carry a stick.
  • Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
  • Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
  • If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
  • Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
  • A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they received 300 responses the day after the advert appeared. All from the same person.

 

Truisms

Surprise_JackinTheBox_web.jpg

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

Extracts from actual letters sent to State housing bodies.

"...and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think a bad wind the other night blew them off."

"My toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"I have had the council clerk down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

 

Phrases for your "Out-Of-Office" e-mail auto-reply...

"I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you."

Computer_trouble1_web.jpg

"I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 14/6. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again."

"Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

"I've run away to join a different circus."

"I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'."

 

Golf_man_teeoff_web.jpg

Ball markers

A golfer walks into the Pro Shop at his local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each."

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray, and with a big smile, hands the guy a 20 cent coin.

 

 

Redneck security system

  1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 12-16.
  2. Place them on your verandah, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo magazines.
  3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny, and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pitbulls. They messed up the mailman pretty bad this morning. I locked all four in the house. Better wait outside."