Humour Politics
Politics

 

 

snorkler TNClassic Quote
"I dream of a better tomorrow ... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned." – Rocky the Rooster

 

For the Libs

Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, and Wayne Swan were flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and chuckled, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Gillard shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Swan says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant jerks back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy."

 

 

Working Hours

Harry went to the Australian Tax Office for a job interview. The interviewer looks at his resume and asked, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, I served eight years in the Army."

"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have service-related disabilities?"

"A mortar round blew off my testicles so they gave me a DVA Gold Card. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about that, but I have some good news. I can hire you right now! OurBook_around_ankle_web.jpg working hours are 8 to 4. Come in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are 8 to 4, why do you want me in at 10?"

"Well, this is the public service. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point you coming in for that."

QUCK AND EASY WAY TO UNDERSTAND DEMOCRACY

1. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

2. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

3. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for

speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

4. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

5. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

6. OLD HONG KONG DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

Defining tragedy

Prime Minister John Howard visited a primary school class. They were in the middle of a discussion on words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy", so the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him, that would be a tragedy."

No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the PM, "that's what we call a ‘great loss'." The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

The PM searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Devillish_man_smile_web.jpg Finally, at the back of the room, a boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right - and can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"