Humour Relationships
Relationships

 

Surprise JackinTheBox webDid you know?

Over a lifetime a woman eats about 20kg of lipstick.

Physically it is impossible to sneeze with opened eyes.

People talk at an average speed of 120 words per minute.

Just like people, dogs and cats can be left-handed or right-handed.

It’s physically impossible for a pig to look up at the sky.

More than 50% of the world’s people have never made or received a telephone call.

More than 75% of people will try to lick their elbow after reading this fact for the first time.

Women buy 85% of all Valentine's Day greeting cards.

 

 

 

Man hand out webQuick Thinking
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him,
“How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies,
“Ever since my wife found it in the glove box.”

 

 

 

A lesson in Life, in Plain EnglishUpnose angry green man web
People say there is no difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED....
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED

 


Hearing is Believing
Pooped on desk web

An elderly couple, Lucy and John, were recently attending church. About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse and wrote a note and handed it to John.
The note said: “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
John scribbled back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

 

 

 Love is the Prize

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a nightclub. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around the unit, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of Clownsmall bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The woman is kind of surprised that this handsome macho man would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but decides not to mention it at this time.
She turns to him... they kiss... and an intense night of passion follows.
Lying together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the middle shelf."

 

 

A Devil of a Time

 

devil woman webThe following is a question given on a university engineering exam.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving and leaving Hell. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my first year, “...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

 

 

Sex Education

Little Tony was nine years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,couple-perplexed TN “Grandma, what's it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. “It's called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Tony said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn't called ‘sexual intercourse’. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you.”

 

 

 

 

smiling woman web

Take Note

An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.

One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “Sure,” he says. 

“Write it down,” she suggests.

“No,” he says. “I can remember a simple thing like that.”

“I also want strawberries and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”

“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen. Twenty minutes later he returns, bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs.

 

 

 

 

 

All in a Word

Frog_Prince_webIn a small outback town an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends they decided it was finally time for marriage so they went out to dinner to discuss their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two words?"

 

Marriage Quotes

"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin

"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal

"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson

"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters

 

Silver toungued

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

 

Parrot dirty talk

Bird_Perch_on_web.jpg

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot for only $20.

"Why so little?"' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you that this bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided for the price, she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but laughed it off.

When her teenage daughters returned from school, the parrot saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls were a bit offended, but when the parrot's former home was explained to them, they laughed.

Moments later, the woman's husband Max came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Max."

 

Meeting the parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

 

Lack of vision

80-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the GP that he felt fine but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, the GP called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

Skin transplant 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you."

 

Duck love

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

 

Sex therapy?

A couple from Rockingham, both well into their 80s, went to a sex therapist's office in Fremantle.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed at the request that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanked them for attending, charged them $60, and wished them the best of luck. However, the couple returned several weeks in a row, and although the doctor was puzzled, he agreed to watch them each time. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Nothing, doc. She's married and we can't go to her house; I'm married and we can't go to my house. Hotels cost at least $150. We do it here for $60 and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Knight_on_horse_web.jpg

 

A knight's virtue

All the skilled and virtuous knights were setting out for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend who was remaining behind, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from my crusade."

The company of knights was only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town, the column halted.

Instead, it was the knight's best friend. He said, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

 

A husband's worry

Doctor : How is your wife faring?

Husband : I am very worried about her. She was so sick this morning I had to carry her downstairs to make my breakfast.

 

A load of bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and they saw the breeding bulls. The first pen had a sign attached: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs.

The second pen said: "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a jab and said, "That's more than twice a week. You could learn from him."

The third pen had a sign in capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife nearly broke her husband's ribs and said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one."

The husband rubbed his ribs, looked at her, and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

One-liners to break up with your girlfriend

Theatre_masks_web.jpg "Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?"

"For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but things are sort of back to normal now."

"I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts."

 

A husband's grief

A man placed flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back to his car when another man kneeling at a grave caught his attention.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."Worker_in_singlet_web.jpg

 

Toilet paper miracle

Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of shaking his head, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

The wife fetched a piece of toilet paper, stood in front of the mirror, and rubbed it as instructed. "How long will this take?" she asked.

"It will take a few years but they will grow larger," the husband replied.

"Do you really think so?"

Without missing a beat, he said, "Worked for your rear end, didn't it?"

 

 

Rain or snow?

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Just before the difference of opinion turned into an argument, they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband muttered: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

 

A different dad?

A very elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But I must know. Did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is shaken. His wife's admission hits him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

His wife drops her head as she tries to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Finally, she says, "You."

Crying_web.jpg

 

Going for gold

A man discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms while shopping. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife his purchase.

"Olympic condoms?" she says, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, silver, and bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?"

"Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

 

How to cure a man

A woman was complaining to her neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in theShow_the_door_web.jpg morning, and from my bed I called out: ‘Is that you, Jim?' and that cured him."

"Cured him," asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

 

Divorce drunkenness

A couple are dining in a fancy restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think she could go on celebrating that long?"

 

Golfing romantic

Golfball_bounce_on_head_web.jpg A man and woman holidaying at the Vines fell in love. They discussed how to continue their relationship after their holiday was over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Muffy," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

"Well," Muffy said, "since you're being honest, I have to tell you something too - I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said thoughtfully. He furrowed his brows and then relaxed. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

The Husband Shop

A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in Perth, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop operates: You may visit ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.

The first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes up and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Shop.

 

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were two finalists... a man and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what thedevil_woman_web.jpg circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then he came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

 

Three's a crowd

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for Double Dip catering." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Stevenson's wife had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, I'll be damned, I work for Triple J Radio."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for Channel 9."

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

 

Old couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it might be time for marriage. But, before tying the knot, they went out for a heart-to-heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, showers, snoring, and so on.Dancing_web.jpg

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she responded, very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

A couple had been married 15 years.

One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he had to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "Hey honey, how about it hey? Should we indulge in a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and gave him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter honey?" he asked.

"You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?" she replied.

 

Things not to say on your Valentine's date.

Heart_Arrow_web.jpg

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

Hearing is Believing
An elderly couple, Lucy and John, were recently attending church. About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse and wrote a note and handed it to John.
The note said: “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
John scribbled back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”