Humour Religion
Religion

 

man shovelling webMore gas, more miles

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides her church duties, she was also active in various hospitals visiting the sick and tending to their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day, when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find for the petrol was a bedpan.

Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest petrol station where she filled up the bedpan with petrol and trudged back to her car. Just as Sister Mary started tipping the petrol into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.

Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of petrol a big bruiser wound down his window and yelled,

“I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”

 

 

All in the Languagecarbreaking TN

Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish on the border of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW…
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells: "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says: "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED

 

 

Bird in mans ear web Rockin’ Religion

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in. I said to him,
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied,
"Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

 

 

 

Facing FactsTightrope_Dog_web.jpg
A Rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an Imam go camping in the woods. They happen upon a lake, and decide to go swimming, but unfortunately forgot to bring their swimsuits. They decide to go skinny dipping, but as they're swimming naked, they hear voices nearby. Afraid it might be one of their congregations, the holy men decide to quickly run out of the lake, and leave their clothes behind. The Catholic priest runs away, covering his private area, as does the Imam. The Rabbi runs away covering his face. Later, the others ask the Rabbi why he covered his face. His answer:

"I dunno about you guys, but I think my congregation would recognise my face."

 

 

 

 

Paperwork overwhelm man webHeaven Can Wait
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year; he figures there must be no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What's it like?” Sid asks.
“Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner; more sex; go to sleep, and wake up the next day.”
“Oh, my god,” says Sid, “so that's what heaven is like?”
“Oh no,” says Irv. “I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park.”

 

 

 

 The Perfect Woman

catinthebox TN


Jesus was preaching to his flock about sin and judging others.

He put his hand on the shoulder of a prostitute and said, ‘let whoever is without sin cast the first stone.’

A stone whistled through the air and hit the woman on the side of the head. He turned around and Mary was grinning at him.
Jesus paused, seeking divine guidance.

‘Sometimes you really piss me off Mum!’

 

 

 

 

A Hot Topic

 

Boxing Gloves webA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

 The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 The husband said, "You’re are in charge of the kitchen, you should do it, I am happy to wait."

 Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

 Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

 So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS"

 

 

 

 

In the Dead of Night …
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Bird Perch on TNSilence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage containing a parrot.
He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
”Yes”, said the parrot.
“What’s your name?” said the relieved burglar
”Clarence,” said the bird.
”That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus,” squawked the parrot.

 

Heavenly KPIs

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

Flying doctor webThe guy replies, “I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Sydney.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

Next, is the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the good priest. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”

“Up here we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”

 

 

 

Fearless

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from him.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain’t" said the man.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" Satan persisted.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?” asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years".

 

 

Mums the word

snorkler

A man was riding his Harley along a Perth beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Rottnest so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Indian Ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "About that bridge, You want two lanes or four?"

 

 

The Afterlife

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said: "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that," enquired the parishioner. The vicar replied: "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."

 

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

 

Lost in translation

Book_around_ankle_web.jpgA new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. He goes to the abbot and points out that if there were any errors in the first copy, that error would be repeated in all the other copies.

The abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries but you make a good point, my son."

The wizened old monk then goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check against the original.

Hours later, the new monk goes downstairs to check on the abbot. He finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. "What is wrong, master?"

"The word is celebrate," the abbot says.

 

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."Laugh_child_web.jpg

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

Offertory Prayer:

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

" Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill voice:

"Mummy, what is butt dust?"

 

Nun breaks wind

A nun was travelling to Melbourne by air. While waiting in the departure lounge for her flight, she looked over and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She decided to give it a go. She stepped on the scale and put in her dollar. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 82kgs, and you are going to Melbourne."

She was quite taken aback, as you can imagine, and decided to try it again to see what else it would say.

In went another dollar. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 82kgs, you're going to Melbourne, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun was mystified - she had never played a musical instrument in my life.

She sat back down. From nowhere a young man came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and decided to try this incredible machine again.Bird_with_elephant_web.jpg

Back to the machine, another dollar and the card came out.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 82kg, you're going to Melbourne, and you're going to break wind."

Of course, the nun had never broken wind in public in her life. Well, she tripped getting off the scale and let out a let one go, big time.

Embarrassed, she sat back down and pondered the machine. It was too much for her. A dollar, another card. This time it read, "You're a nun, 82kgs, and you have fiddled and farted around, and missed your plane to Melbourne."

 

The Balancing Act

Female_juggling_office_work_web.jpg Once upon a time in Heaven, God went missing for six days. Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He asked, "Where have you been?"

God sighed with satisfaction and pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put life on it. It's called Earth and it will be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" asked Michael.

God pointed to different parts of Earth. "Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful, and cold, while South America will be poor, hot, and friendly. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes, but what's that one?"

"Ah" said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers,Tightrope_Dog_web.jpg and an exquisite coast line. The people are good-looking, intelligent, humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

"But you said there will be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting Kiwis I've put next to them."