Lifestyle General Scrubbing the Inner Sanctum
Scrubbing the Inner Sanctum


The quest for inner beauty was, I had always thought, about being kind and generous of spirit; the possession of personal qualities that people could admire, even if you had a face like a hatful of frogs. But once again, advertising has gone literal, stripped of soft-focus allusion and gentle metaphor.

Billboards at bus stops close to fast food outlets are now emblazoned with images of unhealthy innards. This isintended to shock people out of their harmful eating habits in a way that being too fat to walk or having to wear a marquee can’t achieve.Wardell-Wendy-Ms-130x110 Wendy Wardell

Clearly the anti-obesity campaigners are desperately seeking some of the anti-smoking groups' action. How graphic will the exhortations become to 'spare a care' for our plumbing? Will our favourite bottle of cabernet soon come with images of cirrhotic livers, making us wonder if the latest Leeuwin Art Series was featuring Western Desert dot painting? Can we expect to see a picture of a pancreas in its death throes adorning our next bar of Dairy Milk?

Frankly, with creeping middle age, I find it hard enough to hold up external appearances so that popping to the shops without make-up on doesn't scare small children. The sudden need to ensure good-looking entrails is just another imposed standard I can do without.

Who exactly determines where intestinal loveliness lies anyway? Sure, a fatty gut looks pretty grotesque, but a pink and pert gall bladder is unlikely to be winning a 'face of L’Oreal' contract anytime soon. Perhaps though, exposure to these images does have a cumulative effect. I’ll confess that after two days of gruelling preparation for a colonoscopy I did have a small frisson of pride in the knowledge that my intestine was probably cleaner than my kitchen

colonoscopy-343x208It's also an opportunity for those not blessed in conventional ways to get into the modelling game. I'd imagine the digestive tract of 'normal' supermodels to have been rendered so desiccated and lifeless through under-use as to be completely unsuitable. But just how fat a pay packet does it take to lure any model out of bed for a photo shoot that involves surgical gowns and scalpels?

There's great potential here too for expanding the market in aesthetic treatments. Why stop at anal bleaching when there's a demand to be exploited for villi whitening? I can foresee new exercise classes created to improve our digestive efficiency, called Peristalates. Your colon will become as ripped as Madonna and move like Jagger. Home liposuction parties will hit the 'burbs using Dyson-esque tools to get into those hard-to-reach nooks and crannies between body parts.

Eventually, this will all reach mainstream consciousness and be absorbed into social media. Facebook may well get re-badged, with a whole new look and organ. Taking 'selfies' will require a high degree of dexterity and a large jar of Vaseline. Navel-gazing will not be something undertaken lightly or without a general anaesthetic.

 Thank Heavens we'll still have Twitter as a beacon of superficiality